Have I Lost My Mind?

I think I may have lost my mind.

When I got married, within about nine months I found myself in a "delicate" situation, as the Victorians referred to it! Knocked up, in current argot. And I was happy, really. It was all I had ever wanted, to be a mom, the stay-at-home kind, like my mom. You know, drinking coffee and gossiping with your neighbor while your babies played contendedly on the carpet nearby.

That shit never happened. By the time I was a stay at home mom (early 90's), no one else was a stay at home mom. If they were staying home they were babysitting other people's babies and had no time to gossip. Coffee wasn't to be enjoyed, it was the drug of choice you took in order to do all the running around the little people you were raising required. That's ok, I still loved it. I'd do it all over again. I miss when my people were little. I love them all now too, but I miss the cute. Now I've got smart (sometimes too smart, sometimes smart ass!) medium size and large people living in my house, eating enormous amounts of food and requiring even more squiring around.

So what do I go and do? Decide I need to make job into something resembling a "career".

I love the library. I would love to get a Master's in Library and Information Sciences someday, I actually state that this is my goal, but my goal is being put off for a bit because my son is going to Michigan State next year, and that's expensive! (Plus, I guess I should first focus on going to the gym enough times to actually receive the bachelor's degree). Short of being an official librarian, I've found myself being strangely ambitious. Not only am I a Reference Assistant and Teen Tech Trainer (only until July though), I'm now - get this - a Co-ordinator of the READ Literacy Program at my library!

I'm so excited about it. When we first moved up here, I became a tutor for the literacy program. I got 12 hours of free training for it, and it was awesome. I love language. It's why I majored in French. I wasn't so much into the whole literature analysis thing - I just really loved learning languages. Helping adults learn to read is really, teaching someone the basics of language. I found the whole thing fascinating.

So when one of our coordinators decided to retire to help care for her grandchildren I thought about applying for the job. But I thought no way would I be qualified. These awesome ladies that have been running the program have years of experience. Little did I know they were thinking of me! I'm so honored.

So now, on top of being a stay at home mom, because that is still my primary job - only one of my peeps is flying the nest anytime soon, still two to teach to fly - I'm a reference asst., teen tech trainer and learning how to be a READ Literacy Coordinator. I think I might have lost my mind. But I'm really excited about the whole thing! Maybe somewhere in the process, I'll relocate my mind and it'll be in better shape than before!

Blogging as Panic Attack Therapy

Let's see how this goes. I am awake, it's 3:00 a.m. and I'm mid panic attack. Two xanax (just the .25 mg ones, not the heavy duty stuff) under my belt, I think the edge might be off, but I thought blogging might help, so here I am.

Hey, did I mention that I finished my SIP? A SIP for those of you who don't know anyone who attened Kalamazoo College, is a Senior Individualized Project. Essentially it's a thesis, that you have to complete to get your bachelor's degree from Kalamazoo. I finished taking classes at Kalamazoo in 1990. I never did my SIP. I did other stuff, like gettting pregnant, procrastinating, getting pregnant again and procrastinating some more, getting pregnant one more time and procrastinating again, working at my favorite library in the world, the Blair Memorial Library for seven years and raising my children as a mostly stay at home mom, and eventually moving to the tundra of Alpena (which this winter wasn't so much of a tundra). I have a great job up here at the library, but it's really part time and I was getting a little bored and my husband pushed me just hard enough over the line (really he called Kalamazoo and figured out exactly what I needed to do to finish) that I enrolled for my SIP. And about a month ago I finished it and mailed it in, all prettily packaged in that famous Black Folder.

This was quite a feat for me. I never thought I would do that kind of a SIP. When I was at K, I was going to student teach (they don't even have a teaching program anymore from what I hear) and that didn't require an actual researchy sort of SIP. And at that time in my life, the thought of doing a 30 page French literature analysis sort of made me feel queasy. Hell, it made me feel even queasier this time, but I buckled down and with the help of my advisor, Dr. Kathy Smith, I managed to do it. My french was atrocious, but it's sort of like riding a bike. After a while phrases and vocabulary started coming back to me, but in the beginning, I'm sure my writing sounded like a french kindergartener's - if not worse! But it must have been good enough in the end, because last week I found out I passed!

Now I just have to fulfil the P.E. requirements. Yes, one of the bonuses of going to a liberal arts college is that whole "well-rounded" education thing they are so big on. I was supposed to have had six gym classes while at Kalamazoo. Did I mention I am probably the least athletic person you will ever know? I finished two. Aerobics and Yoga. I dropped out of Ballroom Dance! So now, to make up those four credits I am officially a member of the Bay Athletic Club in Alpena Mi. My butt is on the treadmill at least 3 times a week until the summer in over and I've fulfilled my requirements. It's not so bad if you go at the right time. Early morning isn't so good, because all the real die hards are there and it's crowded and I get an inferiority complex when the girl on the next treadmill is full out running a marathon and I'm walking at the lowly 3 miles an hour speed. After school is brutal because all the high school boys, including some of my sons friends are on the ellipticals which are behind the treadmills, so I feel a little self-conscious. I mean, those boys know I'm fat, but do they really want to be looking at the fat, forty year old mom working out in front of them? No. So I've determined the best time is around 9 am to noon. This way, I get the little old men who remind me of my dad and the middle aged ladies who are shaped like me. I plug in the Ipod with my daughter's music on it, and off to the races I go. If by races you understand s.....l.....o.....w and steady wins the race! I'm trying. But I don't believe any of that bullshit about how someday I will just LOVE it and not be able to live without it! Let's get real - there is SO much I'd rather be doing. Knitting, reading, watching tv. Unfortunately those aren't going to get me the bachelor's degree. So off to the gym I go.

I think this might have worked. I think I might go lay down and watch some tv. Not FOX news, which my husband listens to when he has insomnia because he likes to point out all the factual mistakes they are making. That doesn't work for me, my blood pressure skyrockets and I yell at Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity or whatever "reporter" they might be featuring at the time. No, I enjoy reruns of Roseanne when I can't sleep, or any of the Real Housewives franchises from Bravo. We'll see what I can find.

I'm back

Wow, I can't remember how to blog. I have another picture of a one row lace scarf that just disappeared, and yet I can't figure out how to cut the extra picture of me and my son. Jeez.

But I'm going to return to the blogosphere. I have lots of knitting to capture with my newly found camera and I'll probably rant about all the crazy political crap people post to me on FB. But I missed the blog and I hope people will still tune in now and then.


My boy going to prom, with his date and the obligatory picture with his mom!




My Baktus - yarn from Taos NM, purchased by my awesome husband while on a business trip. I didn't even ask him - he just did it!




An extra picture of me and my boy that I can't figure out how to cut.
Maybe I'll be able to figure things out eventually!